Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

7 Minute Read 

We cannot control many things in life. But we can control ourselves and make thoughtful choices.  Treat yourself well by assuring your actions lead to growth and wellbeing. Here are 6 concrete ways to improve how you feel this year.

1. The Basics: eat healthy food, get enough sleep, move your body, and use vices in moderation.

Like a car needs working parts and fuel to run smoothly, humans need healthy food, exercise, rest and to NOT poison our mind and body. The key to making positive change is to set attainable goals. If you recognize that change has been hard in the past, you might be pushing yourself too much. Instead, figure out and commit to one small change that you know you will and can do, like adding a salad or green vegetable to your lunch and dinner for a week and seeing how you take...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

4 Minute Read 

Most people are uncomfortable with emotions. And that makes sense to me. So many of us have been raised in an emotion-phobic culture. We are not given formal education on the biology of emotions and the brain. We are told we should have control over our emotions when the fact is that emotions are not under conscious control.

Why don't our schools teach us the difference between categories of emotions? For example, core emotions, like anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement, are biological survival programs containing information we should NOT ignore.

Another category of emotions are called inhibitory emotions. Inhibitory emotions, which we know as anxiety, guilt, and shame, block core emotions to keep us in the good graces of our families, peers, and other social...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

4 Minute Read 

The thought of going to a funeral used to terrify me. Walking into a room filled with sadness and grief evoked — well — an intense desire not to go. Anxiety was all I could feel. It obscured the emotions I wanted to have like sadness and compassion. And, I secretly felt ashamed that I didn’t have “the right feelings."

It was not death itself that bothered me, it was being in the presence of grief. Why did sadness make me so anxious? Why did it turn me into a vibrating, heart-pounding, emotional mess, uncomfortable in my own skin? I felt pressure to fix sadness: to say or do just the right thing. I thought I was supposed to cheer up the person suffering, as though they had a problem to be solved. Eventually, I figured out intellectually that I could not fix someone’s...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

5 Minute Read 

Did you ever have the feeling that you were sad and needed a good cry, but you couldn’t get the tears out? I certainly have.

Sadness is a natural adaptive response to loss. Losses like death, break-ups, our children growing up, moving from a house, city, or country we called home, a broken or missing cherished object, and other kinds of losses, are born from our wired-in capacity to love, connect, and emotionally attached to people, places, and things. Love and loss go hand in hand.

But sadness, like other emotions, gets a bad rap. Myths in modern society lead us to believe that emotions are for weak people and that it's best to “rise above them.” Stigmas surrounding emotions make us judge ourselves when we feel sad. We are instructed not to "wallow" or "be weak." As a result, most...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

5 Minute Read 

(The personal reflections on confusion quoted throughout this article were generously shared by "Michele." Thank you, Michele.)

"I often find myself feeling confused. It is a theme that has run through my life over many years. Now in my 60’s this trait has had long innings. It is confusion that often leaves me feeling inadequate and foolish, as if 'why can’t I sort things out, others seem to manage.' Confusion rears its ugly head when I have decisions to make. It also crops up when I am in a conflict and when I have a difference of opinion with someone."

Being confused about what we want, what is the right thing to do, or even who we are is distressing. The mind seeks clarity and the body feels best when we have certainty. While a state of confusion isn’t comfortable by any means, in the world...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

5 Minute Read 

For inner equilibrium and harmony, our body's use and expenditure of energy must be in balance. Think of an overheated car. It stops working well. The engine creates heat, and that heat must be released to keep it running smoothly. That’s basically what needs to happen when core emotions like anger, sadness, joy, and excitement are triggered in the brain. The energy core emotions create pushes to come up and out, like steam in a kettle. When emotions flow freely, balance is restored, and we feel better--we run more smoothly.

Unfortunately, most of us ignore or suppress our core emotions. This is problematic for health as the energy that is mobilized when emotions are triggered then ends up stuck in the mind and body causing psychological and physical symptoms.

Core emotions evolved over hundreds of...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

 3 Minute Read 

Mary picks fights with her husband at night so she doesn't have to deal with her anxiety around sexual intimacy. Looking for what’s wrong with her husband distracts her from her discomfort and the feelings of vulnerability lurking under the surface. By not directly addressing her anxiety and/or not letting her husband know she is struggling, Mary misses an opportunity to be understood and feel more connected.

Social situations cause stress for Halley. She stays home instead of going out on weekends because she feels safe at home and also lonely. Dealing directly with her fears opens up the possibility that she could soothe them and find alternative ways to engage with others that would feel less stressful and even satisfying.

Robert curses out people when he feels...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

3 Minute Read 

Blame is a defense on the Change Triangle. It’s a way we discharge our core and inhibitory emotions before we internally feel our sadness, shame, anger, fear, anxiety, and disgust.

We blame others, hurling insults and digging our heels into the cushy comfort of self-righteous indignation.  

Or we blame ourselves. We beat ourselves up. We call ourselves names like “loser” and “failure.” And then we wonder why we feel small, alone and sick to our stomachs.  

Next time you notice you are blaming someone or blaming yourself, no matter why, try getting curious about what your experiencing in your mind and body, instead of launching an attack. Ask yourself:  

"What emotions am I having right now that make me want to judge,...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

6 Minute Read 

“Rupture and repair” refers to the breaking and restoring of connection with one another. Since humans are wired for connection, and connection is what researchers say brings most happiness, rupture and repair is a critical concept to learn about for wellbeing. 

Let’s begin with a question that developmental psychologist Edward Tronick, Ph.D. asked in a paper called Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants:

Why do some children become sad, withdrawn, insecure, or angry, whereas others become happy, curious, affectionate, and self-confident?

You might be surprised to know that emotional communication starts at birth and influences how we connect throughout our lives. Because infants can’t speak, people used to think babies didn’t have emotions and...

Article By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, Guest Expert and author of the award-winning book It’s Not Always Depression. 

4 Minute Read 

“The problem with verbal abuse is there is no evidence,” Marta shared. She came for help with a long-standing depression.

“What do you mean lack of evidence?” I asked her.

“When people are physically or sexually abused it’s concrete and real. But verbal abuse is amorphous. I feel like if I told someone I was verbally abused, they’d think I was just complaining about being yelled at.” Marta explained.

“It’s much more than that.” I validated.

“Much more.” She said.

“The problem is no one can see my scars.” She knew intuitively that her depression, anxiety and deep-seated insecurity were wounds that stemmed from the verbal abuse she endured.

“I wish I was beaten,” Marta shared...